Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Album Reviews: Rating Guide

We've tried to capture our feelings towards the albums we review in handy, one or two word phrases with shiny stars to help make the reviews as painless as possible. In order to better understand what we mean by "Good" or "Subpar" we've taken the time to write up this handy guide. Enjoy!

Rating Guide

Simply put, this album is an essential in any collection. If you're taking the time to read the album review then you should slap yourself - you're wasting valuable listening time! Get out and buy this album IMMEDIATELY. If you have no money, visit the pawn shop or sell some plasma. You'll thank us later.

A fine album that will stand up to the test of time. If you haven't already picked this album up, you should do so ASAP. All the cool kids will be talking about this through the next few months, so pick it up if you want to be involved in the discussions.

A great album that's worth taking a look at even if the genre isn't normally "your thing". There may be a few tracks to skip over, but by and large the album has a lot to offer to ANY listener.

This album isn't "essential" by any means, but if you're a fan of the artist's previous work or the genre in general then you'll like what's enclosed. There won't be anything ground-breaking or mind-blowing, but a handful of tracks make the whole set a worthwhile pick up.

Everything about this album screams "mediocrity". There's a few good songs worth a listen, but unless you're a fan of the artist you'll probably leave disappointed. Rather then spending your hard-earned cash on the whole album, it probably makes sense to buy a few tracks and lave the rest behind.

Unless you're a die-hard fan then you simply don't have a reason to own this album. One, maybe two tracks are worthwhile but when taken as a whole the album feels uninspired and uninteresting.

Even the biggest enthusiasts will have a hard time listening through this album, let alone giving it repeat action. The music just isn't there, they've simply missed the boat this time. Don't bother picking up the album, just wait and hope that the next offering will be better.

This album finds itself in the realm of "guilty pleasures" - not a category one steps into knowingly. The artist - and anyone who owns this album - should be ashamed. The songs are dull and you'll certainly feel like you've been "caught red handed" if anyone finds you near this.

Whoever made this stinking pile of shit called music should be forcibly relocated to a secluded farm in the mid-west to mull over their failures as an artist.